Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Sickies - Whatever Wednesday

spoiler alert, this post is a bit of a downer...but whatever! it's what's on my mind:
Sometimes life sucks. I am so tired of Gage being sick. It has been almost 6 weeks since he has been totally healthy, and that is 6 weeks too long for this mama. I am tired. Tired of trying to comfort him when nothing seems to work. Tired of listening to him cry because nothing is working. Tired of his 20 min naps that should, in all reality, be 2 hour naps. Tired of Jonas being so mean to his little brother. Tired of Jonas being so mean to everyone! He used to be such a fun kid to be around but as of late, he has many more bad days than good ones. I literally can't stand to be home with him the majority of the time. Yes, I know that's horrible for me to say. I should be grateful that I get to stay home with my kids! I should cherish every second that I have with them on this Earth! I should thank God that I have been entrusted with such innocent spirits. But...that is all just too much today. And I do have those feelings, they are just rather infrequent sometimes. 
I've thought about getting a full time job somewhere. I feel like if I'm working away from home, I'm a better mom when I am home. I appreciate my kids more, I value them for what they are, and my patience isn't pushed to the limit. But working would require daycare, and I don't like the thought of putting Gage in daycare where he will be left in his carrier the entire day. I also refuse to give him formula and I doubt I could keep up with him if I had to pump, and I'd worry if I had left him with enough milk at daycare. Siiiigh, what to do, what to do....
I have come to the conclusion that not every woman is made to love motherhood and feel like that is her one and only role in life. But then I wonder, maybe all mothers feel this way, and they are just all putting on a front for everyone else to see. And if that is the case, well then...let's have a toast for honesty. Sometimes it just. sucks. 
I suppose I will immerse myself in some Mumford & Sons and hope that an escape is just around the corner...
"You'll be happy and wholesome again when the city clears and sun ascends." 

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